Bobby Takes Poop--National Crisis Averted

New York, NY-April 25, 2010

AP-As Americans from coast to coast sat on tenderhooks today, Robert Gerstein finally moved his bowels, putting a 48 hour ordeal finally to an end.

The elimination, which was average sized, emerged at 9:35 PM, Eastern Standard Time. Robert is now clean, and in good spirits, but heated discussions among the nation's leaders continue.

The crisis, which began at approximately 7:00 am on the morning of April 24th has provoked a special investigation by the United States House Energy Subcommittee on Health. The Committee will begin holding hearings at 8:00am tomorrow morning. In a press conference earlier today, Committee Chairman, Congressman Frank Pallone of New Jersey promised to get to the "root causes of the controversy. We have a lot of questions," said the Congressman "and frankly, some of the people involved may have a lot to answer for. The people need answers, and we need to get to the root causes. America's kids shouldn't have to spend a moment longer than necessary on the can."

Among issues the Congressman cited for investigation was the controversial decision to feed Robert rice cereal, which some experts say should not be introduced until at least six months. U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebilius also expressed concern. "I'm glad the prunes worked," said the Secretary when asked about corrective measures that had been taken to finally move things along, "but really, breast milk or formula is all they should be getting at that age." Sebilius has promised that her department will be launching its own, independent investigation in the near future.

Meanwhile, an angry Tea Party protest on the National Mall nearly turned into a riot as activists slammed the government, insisting that Federal activity was the cause of Robert's constipation. "Those Commies definitely put something in the water!" Shouted Moe Briggs of Altoona, PA. "This never happened when Bush was President! Just shove a thermometer up his butt." Protesters also waved signs saying "My kid crapped when he was s'pos'd to! Why can't yours?" and "Prunes are for liberals and red socalists." Not to be outdone, Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele promised to make Robert's bowel movements a divisive issue in the 2010 congressional elections.

President Obama had earlier today Federalized the New Jersey Air National Guard and scrambled F-16 Fighters from the 177th Fighter Wing, but they have since been recalled as the emergency has passed.