Cheney "Extremely Disappointed" at RHG Announcement

May 15, 2009

New York (AP)-An indignant former Vice President Dick Cheney offered biting criticism to Theresa and Ephraim Gerstein on their announcement that they were expecting their first child, earlier today. The child, who is currently being referred to by only its expected initials "RHG" is to be born in early December of 2009. In an early morning interview with David Brooks, Cheney called the announcement "precipitous, dangerous and irresponsible." "There is no doubt in my mind," Cheney went on to say, "that by disseminating such sensitive information so widely and at such an early date, Ephraim and Theresa have further endangered national security. They have clearly made America less safe and have given a big helping hand to the terrorists." When Brooks asked Cheney to clarify his concerns, Cheney replied "Oh come on, David! Do you really expect me to be able to anticipate every nefarious possibility? God only knows what these terrorists will do, and that's precisely why Americans need to vigilantly protect sensitive information. Frankly, as commissioned officers, they should know better. Their behavior was clearly dangerous and disloyal."

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs declined to issue an official comment. "Look," said Gibbs, "Dick Cheney has a lot of opinions on a lot of subjects. You name it, he has an opinion on it. If we had to comment every time that constipated old blowhard mouthed off, we'd never have time for the important news; and that really would be a threat to national security."

Support for the Gersteins came from an unexpected quarter, however: Archbishop Timmothy Dolan of New York. "The Archdiocese, and I personally, offer these dear friends only the warmest support and our heartfelt prayers as they enter this exciting new chapter of their lives," said Dolan. "I was personally wondering when they would have a kid. The news made my day. It's enchanting." When asked about Cheney's comments Dolan replied: "I don't profess to be an expert on foreign affairs, but it seems to me that now is the time to be patting both Gersteins--Theresa especially--on the back; not second guessing their decisions. The main thing is that they chose life; and that's a beautiful choice."